Well still no sign of the ugly monster diabeties. I remember complaining so much how I couldn't wait to have Olivia so I could stop having to take insulin 4 times a day. O what I would do now to go back to that. My mom says its Olivia telling me to try and have another baby (The whole time I was pregnant I said this was the last time unless I was able to lose enough weight to get completely off the diabeties meds.). I would gladly "shoot up" 4 times a day or more just to be able to hold her again.
Or atleast be able to hold her while she was still alive. To be able to see her eyes & what color they were. To hear her squeaky lil cry one more time. Once I had her they took her right away to stablize her. I was told I wouldn't be able to see her for at least 24 hours because I was on the MGSO4. They wouldn't even let DH see her before he left for the night. I guess I should have know something was wrong then. The next time I got to see my Lil Angel I was laying on a hosptial bed in the middle of the ICN watching my child, who was surrounded by doctors, receive CPR & her last chest xray. When they brought her to me so I could hold her they said she was still alive. I like to believe she died in my arms that night. I got to hold her, we took a few pictures & I even got to sleep with her for a while. I regret not keeping her with me longer but she was turning blue. No matter how long I held her it wasn't gonna bring her back.
Now that I'm home & had time to think about it I wanna know why my daughter wasn't taken right over to CHOP. We had a plan with CHOP, thats the only reason why I delivered at HUP. Maybe if she was there they could have done more for her. I think I remember someone saying CHOP didn't have a spot for her but who knows...at that point I really didn't know what was going on. But how did they not have a spot for her. They knew I was deliveing that day...a little late but better later than never. They had a few hours to prepare. I feel like CHOP really let me down. They never really prepared us for this to happen, they prepared us for the worst case senario with surgery NOT death. They always had positive things to say about the left side of her heart. That it was strong and looked great for surgery. She just needed her 3 surgeries, then she would go on with life as a "normal" child. Then when we needed them they didn't even have a spot for her. It's the what ifs like this that make it the hardest on me.
Besides all the what ifs & still crying everyday over the smallest, stupidest thing is the anger. I get so mad over nothing. Poor DH. Then I start thinking horrible things. God took her away for a reason. Because we can't handle another child. Let alone a "sick" child. I've been home for a little over a week. My house looks like a disaster, the laundry pile is now a mountian, the dishes are climbing outta the sink, DD is sick with bronchitis, she missed 2 days of school and needed to go to the doctors & the poor dog hardly gets out during the day so we are now going backwards with the potty training. DD lost a tooth last night & I forgot to have the tooth fairy come...I feel like the worst mom ever. Now with all the BS thats already going on add to that IF Olivia was alive I would be down at CHOP 24/7. I feel like she was taken away from us because we can't get our shit together.
I need to start packing away her things. Its getting hard to look at them. But I don't want to because it seems so final. I wanna pack the stuff away so I can forget but at the same time I feel bad. I don't want to forget about my baby. I'm still only supposed to be 36 weeks....I should still have 4 more weeks before I get to see my sweet Lil Angel. I shouldn't have to be dealing with taking all her stuff down & packing her clothes away. I miss my belly. I hate having to deal with all this pain from my incesion and my boobs (DAMN leaking painful boobs) but no baby to make it "feel better", to feel worth it.
2 weeks ago I was supposed to wake up, take DD to school, go for a NST, hopefully get a note from the doctor so I didn't have to work anymore (I knew things weren't feeling right), go to school to get my test scores & pick my classes. Not have a baby for her to just die a few hours later. Now I dunno what to do. I was supposed to be a stay at home mom & take classes online. Now I have no baby. No reason to stay home. Now I feel like I gotta go back to work. I have no reason to stay home now other than the fact that I don't wanna leave the house. I don't wanna get outta bed. I don't wanna do nothing. I don't even wanna go to school to pick my classes. I keep telling myself after the Memorial...maybe next week will be better. I just hope it's not too late to set things up for school.
I just wish this week was over! Thursday is my post partum doctors appointment. I DO NOT want to go by myself but DH has to work & I really don't feel like being around anyone else. Friday is Olivia's Burrial, Saturday is her Memorial & Sunday is Mother's Day. I don't wanna do any of this. At least on Friday we get her ashes. Not looking foward to Saturday at all. Sunday I'm treating just like andy other Sunday. I'm not celebrating Mother's Day this year. I already asked DH not to get me anything. What ever DD makes in school will be fine. I'm just not in the mood, not going to be a very happy Mother's day for me at all. I hope my Mom & MIL understand the lack of a gift this year. If it weren't for DD I would acknowledge the day at all.
I'm now convinced that any type of shower is bad luck for me. Not that I'm counting my chickens before they hatch or that I ever expect anyone to have another one for me for any reason but I NEVER want another shower ever again! Whenever anyone does something nice for me or I get my hopes up for something & plan it out that way I want it to be my heart is usually ripped out and trampled all over. Of course this would happen to me because I'm prepared...I had everything I wanted, had the nursury done & we actually had a plan. Then life throws a big FUCK YOU in my direction! Am I such a horrible person? Why can't good things happen to me?
At this point I feel like my heart is torn in 2. I want to be with both my babies! No I'm not suicidal but I'm not afraid to die anymore either, then I would get to be with her again. I could never do that to DD or DH. I know they need me here. But I want my Olivia! Why do other people get to keep their babies? Why did my Olivia have to die?
I Love You so much Olivia! I don't know how to put it into words anymore.
Mommy misses her Angel.
An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth.
She whispered as she closed the book, "Too Beautiful for Earth".
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