I really don't care to explain much or do a back story but I just needed a place to write, vent & get out fustrations. So for a back story I'm gonna post the link to Olivia's webpage that explains her condition and two previous post from thebump.com message board.
Most people only dream of angels. We held one in our arms.
Little Miss Olivia Marie decided to come meet us for awhile yesterday (April 24th) but God decided she was too much of an Angel to allow her to stay here with us. She left us in her Mommy's arms, surrounded by people who loved her. She received her wings and left for heaven around 10PM. I never imagined saying goodbye could be so hard, especially when we only had a few short hours together. Thank you to everyone who came to see us at the hospital and for all the kind words sent from others.
May 1, 2012
Well here goes nothing...
May 4, 2012
I dunno quite what to say. Today has been a week since we lost our Olivia. We knew she was sick (PA-IVS....she had half a heart) but we were not prepared for this to happen. All the doctors kept telling us she would need 3 open heart surgeries over her first few years of life, that she would be in the hospital for about 2 weeks and that she would be able to go on living life just as a healthly child. I had to have her at 34 weeks due to sudden onset of severe preclampsia (sp?). She was alive for a few hours before she went into cardiac arrest. She passed away in my arms. I feel like its my fault she isn't here with us. If only I could have kept my pressure down for a few more weeks, maybe she would have had a better chance. Since i've been home from the hospital I have been so emotional with no desire to do anything. I don't feel like talking to anyone or having company. I don't want to plan a funeral. I just want to stay in bed and sleep all day hoping to eventually wake up from this nightmare. I still have prenatal doctors appointments & ultrasounds I should be going to or I should be spending my days sitting in Children's Hospital while Olivia has her surgeries. I don't belong here now. I feel so bad for my 6 year old daughter who was looking foward to being a big sister. She is mad at us becasue she didn't get to see or hold her sister. My cousion came to visit with her 9 month old & just seeing my daughter play with her had me in tears. I'm concerned for my husband who seems to just be going on with life just like nothing happened. He is already talking about having another. Just the thought of that makes me feel guilty...you cannot replace a child. I'm angry at people who I know have had abortions in the past. They all now have multiple children. We tryed to get pregnant & wanted this baby so bad! Why have they been blessed so many times? Why am I thinking like this...what is wrong with me?! I know i'm all over the place but there is just so much going threw my head my fingers can't keep up.
1 Week & 3 Days...
since our angel left for heaven.
DD is sick so she stayed home from school today. The past few days have been hard....lots of crying mixed with disbelief (this is not my life!) & anger. Jada is only 6 (but much more mature) so she is trying to understand but most of what she says brings me to tears. I was actually "afraid" (because it upsets her when I cry) to be home alone with her all day today but I'm glad she was. BRU called today to check to see if I got my 10% off my registery coupon & I lost it on the poor lady. Jada came running to my room, hugged me & told me, "Mommy it's ok to cry". This coming from a 6 year old when most adults don't even know what to say to me. She is my little rock....what I need to get threw this. She asked if she could write a letter to Olivia & send it to heaven along with other things...her toys & blanket from the hospital and a headband. She wants to make sure she has things in heaven. As hard as it was to hear what she wanted to tell her little sister I felt better after. No I wasn't able to get threw writting the letter for her with out crying BUT DD inspired me to write my little angel my own letter. We didn't have much time with Olivia...I heard her cry & I can still smell her but don't even know what color her eyes were. I really want to hold her again...hopefully my own letter will help with some of what I'm going threw.
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