It was horrible, I had to wait for ever as usual. DH went with me but he had to leave after about an hour & a half of waiting to make it to work on time. Not to mention all the walking back & forth from the garage, to the doctors, to the pharmacy, back to the doctors and then back to the car. It took forever for them to find a doctor to renew my script for my pain meds which I've been out of for 2 days now. Then when I finally get called back to see the nurse for the first time she asks how the baby was doing....seriously!? Then had the nerve to ask how I was doing. I FEEL LIKE CRAP! So of course my BP was high after that ordeal. Then it was off to the exam room for more waiting. The doctor finally came in to check my wound after about 15 minutes of just sitting there. Nothing could be easy....it still needs to be packed, so no showers for me for at least another week. :( I have to go back in 2 weeks to be checked again. Before I left I had to torture myself & ask how long we had to wait to TTC again....A year. What a SMACK in the face. I didn't even want to start anytime soon but after hearing that I want to now. I know I need time to heal but I'm supposed to have a baby NOW, not wait a year to try and have a baby!
Friday - The Burrial:
The day out of the next 3 that I thought would have been
easiest...I was wrong. We went to the cemetery to burry Olivia. On the way there
DH stopped to get roses for the grave...a pink one & a blue one. It was just
a family thing, I wanted it like that & it was very nice. They asked me if I
wanted to hold her (ashes) but I couldn't. I was able to keep myself together
until they put her in the ground. That was rough. The hardest part was seeing my
dad cry. He is a man of no emotions, very few words & he was crying like a
baby. Then he told me he loved me. I don't remember the last time I heard him
say that to me. We drove home & I cried the whole way there. I made the
mistake of going to get the mail...DH usually does this & throws away any
baby stuff. I got a letter from my insurance company....inside was the insurance
card for "Newborn Tokarski". SMACK! I spent most of the rest of the day in bed.
Later on that night I started attempting to pack some things away to go to
"storage" at my moms. I didn't get very far.
Saturday - The day I wanted to avoid the most...The Memorial:
Honestly I
think the anticipation & the anxiety up until the day was worst than what I
thought the day was going to be. I've been trying to avoid as many people as
possible lately with the exception of a select few. I hate seeing people and
being asked "How are you?". I'm tired of lying and saying OK but how else do you
answer that with out completely losing it? I guess that's why I didn't want to
go to the memorial. I'm glad I did. I was able to make it threw with out crying
once & no one asked the dreaded question! It was beautiful & My DH did
the right thing by having it at his brothers house. It wasn't in a funeral home
setting. It was in a familiar place for me. A place I felt comfortable, which I
think was another thing that "scared" me about having it there (we have a
majority of our family get together's here) but that wasn't an issue either.
After the memorial was over & everyone left but those select few we stayed
for awhile. We had dinner. Its been the longest I've been out of the house since
I've been home and it was nice to be in a different setting. At the end of the
day I was just truly shocked by people. Amazed by the fact that some of the
people who came actually showed up even though we haven't spoke to them in a
long time. Even more amazed by the people who didn't show or even pick up the
phone and call/text. And sadly at the fact that not a God damn person from my
father's family besides him decided to show up or even send a card. It truly is
sad that it takes something as tragic as this to find out who is truly there for
you...friends & family alike. When I get my self together I really need to
reevaluate my circle of friends.
Sunday - The day I was boycotting....Mother's Day:
I think I stayed in bed
until about 4...I slept on & off. I already did the Mother's Day thing with
DD when she came home from school on Thursday so I told my MIL she could bring
her back whenever on Sunday. Our dear puppy Roscoe decided to wake us up at 4
AM. DH forgot to close the doors before he went to bed the night before so we
woke up to the sound of Roscoe eating trash.....well needless to say he drug
trash all threw out the house. After cleaning up that mess we couldn't go back
to sleep so we just laid there for awhile. Then the nurse came at 10 AM. After
she left I send my few Mother's Day wishes that I had to send (how convenient my
phone died after that) and went back to bed. DH woke me up at 330 to eat
"lunch". He ordered us Chinese since he knew I didn't want to go out to eat
today but I told him I wasn't hungry & went back to sleep. When I woke up we
went food shopping. I finally called my mother back (she was calling all day)
when we got home & everything packed away...It was almost 8 PM. I was trying
to avoid the whole day & everyone in general. If I didn't need to go food
shopping I would have slept all day if I could. All she wanted to do was see me.
She was upset & I hope she understands. I'm her only child & she lost
her mother 2 years ago. I'm supposed to go see her today(Tuesday)...I really wish she
didn't buy me anything. I do feel bad for not getting our mother's
gifts, cards, flowers or at least going for a visit but I was just not ready to
deal with all this. I hope they forgive me. Hopefully it can be something I can
celebrate next year.
Monday - I made it threw the weekend...or so I thought:
I was really looking foward to Monday...well really looking foward for the weekend to be over. I made it. I rested most of the day, seen my nurse & did somethings around the house. I went to pick DD up from school & stopped at the bank. It was a good day. When we got back to the house I had DD get the mail. Mail is evil. My stupid insurance company who sent me an insurance card for Olivia on Thursday/Friday had sent me a letter saying that due to the death of "Newborn Tokarski" she would no longer be covered under my insurance. Well no sh!t!I thought calling and informing them of their mistake would keep anymore letter like this from coming....well I guess not. I wish they worked that fast with the mail when I actually needed something from them.
Tueday - Today:
Well I was actually able to sit down & write this. Hopefully later visit TB boards...I've been busy, lazy & told by DH I wasn't allowed to go on there this weekend because the site "makes me sad". Getting ready to head out to see my mother & take DD to dance. I hope they don't make a big deal out of me being there. Its the first time I'm taking her since I've had Olivia. DD's dance teacher has known me for YEARS! So I'm sure she is gonna want to talk. Plus I've missed the parent meeting, visitation & hopefully they get costumes this week....it's getting very close to recital! UGH! I don't really want to go but I guess I can't hide in my room forever. Life still does go on.
Mommy loves you Olivia...Gone but NEVER forgotten!
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