Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief - Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month

 For Olivia Marie....Remembering you everyday!

Day 1: Sunrise

View from my bed. 6:45 AM, Philadelphia, PA

 

 

Day 2: Self Portrait Before Loss

Our last "family" photo.
32 weeks, 16 days before Olivia was born.

 

Day 3: Self Portrait After Loss

10:30 PM April 24, 2012. It still wasn't real yet.
The first & last time I got to see or hold  her.

 

Day 4: Most Treasured Item

Olivia's Baby Book.
It's filled with pictures, her hand & foot prints, her hair, hospital braclet, baptism certificate, ultrasound photos and stuff from my baby shower.

 

Day 5: Memorial

Half of Olivia's ashes were burried here with my grandparents so there would always be a place for anyone to go visit her. The other half we have home with us so we can be with her everyday. Jada also planted a garden for Olivia with my in-laws. There is a beautiful bench there my mother-in-law received but I don't have a picture of that yet.

 

Day 6: What Not to Say. 

Day 6: What hurt the most was the lack of friends & family who didn't acknowledge my daughter. If you don't know what to say send a card, give a hug, DO SOMETHING! The littlest things are often what makes the biggest impact. Even know Olivia was only here for 4 short hours she was still here. Other people acknowledging our children means a lot to us. "The friend who holds your hand and says the wrong thing is made of dearer stuff than the one who stays away." -BK

The week from Hell

Thursday - First post partum OB appointment:
It was horrible, I had to wait for ever as usual. DH went with me but he had to leave after about an hour & a half of waiting to make it to work on time. Not to mention all the walking back & forth from the garage, to the doctors, to the pharmacy, back to the doctors and then back to the car. It took forever for them to find a doctor to renew my script for my pain meds which I've been out of for 2 days now. Then when I finally get called back to see the nurse for the first time she asks how the baby was doing....seriously!? Then had the nerve to ask how I was doing. I FEEL LIKE CRAP! So of course my BP was high after that ordeal. Then it was off to the exam room for more waiting. The doctor finally came in to check my wound after about 15 minutes of just sitting there. Nothing could be easy....it still needs to be packed, so no showers for me for at least another week. :( I have to go back in 2 weeks to be checked again. Before I left I had to torture myself & ask how long we had to wait to TTC again....A year. What a SMACK in the face. I didn't even want to start anytime soon but after hearing that I want to now. I know I need time to heal but I'm supposed to have a baby NOW, not wait a year to try and have a baby!

Friday - The Burrial:

The day out of the next 3 that I thought would have been easiest...I was wrong. We went to the cemetery to burry Olivia. On the way there DH stopped to get roses for the grave...a pink one & a blue one. It was just a family thing, I wanted it like that & it was very nice. They asked me if I wanted to hold her (ashes) but I couldn't. I was able to keep myself together until they put her in the ground. That was rough. The hardest part was seeing my dad cry. He is a man of no emotions, very few words & he was crying like a baby. Then he told me he loved me. I don't remember the last time I heard him say that to me. We drove home & I cried the whole way there. I made the mistake of going to get the mail...DH usually does this & throws away any baby stuff. I got a letter from my insurance company....inside was the insurance card for "Newborn Tokarski". SMACK! I spent most of the rest of the day in bed. Later on that night I started attempting to pack some things away to go to "storage" at my moms. I didn't get very far.

Saturday - The day I wanted to avoid the most...The Memorial:

Honestly I think the anticipation & the anxiety up until the day was worst than what I thought the day was going to be. I've been trying to avoid as many people as possible lately with the exception of a select few. I hate seeing people and being asked "How are you?". I'm tired of lying and saying OK but how else do you answer that with out completely losing it? I guess that's why I didn't want to go to the memorial. I'm glad I did. I was able to make it threw with out crying once & no one asked the dreaded question! It was beautiful & My DH did the right thing by having it at his brothers house. It wasn't in a funeral home setting. It was in a familiar place for me. A place I felt comfortable, which I think was another thing that "scared" me about having it there (we have a majority of our family get together's here) but that wasn't an issue either. After the memorial was over & everyone left but those select few we stayed for awhile. We had dinner. Its been the longest I've been out of the house since I've been home and it was nice to be in a different setting. At the end of the day I was just truly shocked by people. Amazed by the fact that some of the people who came actually showed up even though we haven't spoke to them in a long time. Even more amazed by the people who didn't show or even pick up the phone and call/text. And sadly at the fact that not a God damn person from my father's family besides him decided to show up or even send a card. It truly is sad that it takes something as tragic as this to find out who is truly there for you...friends & family alike. When I get my self together I really need to reevaluate my circle of friends.

Sunday - The day I was boycotting....Mother's Day:

I think I stayed in bed until about 4...I slept on & off. I already did the Mother's Day thing with DD when she came home from school on Thursday so I told my MIL she could bring her back whenever on Sunday. Our dear puppy Roscoe decided to wake us up at 4 AM. DH forgot to close the doors before he went to bed the night before so we woke up to the sound of Roscoe eating trash.....well needless to say he drug trash all threw out the house. After cleaning up that mess we couldn't go back to sleep so we just laid there for awhile. Then the nurse came at 10 AM. After she left I send my few Mother's Day wishes that I had to send (how convenient my phone died after that) and went back to bed. DH woke me up at 330 to eat "lunch". He ordered us Chinese since he knew I didn't want to go out to eat today but I told him I wasn't hungry & went back to sleep. When I woke up we went food shopping. I finally called my mother back (she was calling all day) when we got home & everything packed away...It was almost 8 PM. I was trying to avoid the whole day & everyone in general. If I didn't need to go food shopping I would have slept all day if I could. All she wanted to do was see me. She was upset & I hope she understands. I'm her only child & she lost her mother 2 years ago. I'm supposed to go see her today(Tuesday)...I really wish she didn't buy me anything. I do feel bad for not getting our mother's gifts, cards, flowers or at least going for a visit but I was just not ready to deal with all this. I hope they forgive me. Hopefully it can be something I can celebrate next year.

 

Monday - I made it threw the weekend...or so I thought:

I was really looking foward to Monday...well really looking foward for the weekend to be over. I made it. I rested most of the day, seen my nurse & did somethings around the house. I went to pick DD up from school & stopped at the bank. It was a good day. When we got back to the house I had DD get the mail. Mail is evil. My stupid insurance company who sent me an insurance card for Olivia on Thursday/Friday had sent me a letter saying that due to the death of "Newborn Tokarski" she would no longer be covered under my insurance. Well no sh!t!I thought calling and informing them of their mistake would keep anymore letter like this from coming....well I guess not. I wish they worked that fast with the mail when I actually needed something from them.

 

Tueday - Today:

Well I was actually able to sit down & write this. Hopefully later visit TB boards...I've been busy, lazy & told by DH I wasn't allowed to go on there this weekend because the site "makes me sad".  Getting ready to head out to see my mother & take DD to dance. I hope they don't make a big deal out of me being there. Its the first time I'm taking her since I've had Olivia. DD's dance teacher has known me for YEARS! So I'm sure she is gonna want to talk. Plus I've missed the parent meeting, visitation & hopefully they get costumes this week....it's getting very close to recital! UGH!  I don't really want to go but I guess I can't hide in my room forever. Life still does go on.

Mommy loves you Olivia...Gone but NEVER forgotten!

2 weeks...

since our angel left for heaven.

Well still no sign of the ugly monster diabeties. I remember complaining so much how I couldn't wait to have Olivia so I could stop having to take insulin 4 times a day. O what I would do now to go back to that. My mom says its Olivia telling me to try and have another baby (The whole time I was pregnant I said this was the last time unless I was able to lose enough weight to get completely off the diabeties meds.). I would gladly "shoot up" 4 times a day or more just to be able to hold her again.

Or atleast be able to hold her while she was still alive. To be able to see her eyes & what color they were. To hear her squeaky lil cry one more time. Once I had her they took her right away to stablize her. I was told I wouldn't be able to see her for at least 24 hours because I was on the MGSO4. They wouldn't even let DH see her before he left for the night. I guess I should have know something was wrong then. The next time I got to see my Lil Angel I was laying on a hosptial bed in the middle of the ICN watching my child, who was surrounded by doctors, receive CPR & her last chest xray. When they brought her to me so I could hold her they said she was still alive. I like to believe she died in my arms that night. I got to hold her, we took a few pictures & I even got to sleep with her for a while. I regret not keeping her with me longer but she was turning blue. No matter how long I held her it wasn't gonna bring her back.

Now that I'm home & had time to think about it I wanna know why my daughter wasn't taken right over to CHOP. We had a plan with CHOP, thats the only reason why I delivered at HUP. Maybe if she was there they could have done more for her. I think I remember someone saying CHOP didn't have a spot for her but who knows...at that point I really didn't know what was going on. But how did they not have a spot for her. They knew I was deliveing that day...a little late but better later than never. They had a few hours to prepare. I feel like CHOP really let me down. They never really prepared us for this to happen, they prepared us for the worst case senario with surgery NOT death. They always had positive things to say about the left side of her heart. That it was strong and looked great for surgery. She just needed her 3 surgeries, then she would go on with life as a "normal" child. Then when we needed them they didn't even have a spot for her. It's the what ifs like this that make it the hardest on me.

Besides all the what ifs & still crying everyday over the smallest, stupidest thing is the anger. I get so mad over nothing. Poor DH. Then I start thinking horrible things. God took her away for a reason. Because we can't handle another child. Let alone a "sick" child. I've been home for a little over a week. My house looks like a disaster, the laundry pile is now a mountian, the dishes are climbing outta the sink, DD is sick with bronchitis, she missed 2 days of school and needed to go to the doctors & the poor dog hardly gets out during the day so we are now going backwards with the potty training. DD lost a tooth last night & I forgot to have the tooth fairy come...I feel like the worst mom ever. Now with all the BS thats already going on add to that IF Olivia was alive I would be down at CHOP 24/7. I feel like she was taken away from us because we can't get our shit together.

I need to start packing away her things. Its getting hard to look at them. But I don't want to because it seems so final. I wanna pack the stuff away so I can forget but at the same time I feel bad. I don't want to forget about my baby. I'm still only supposed to be 36 weeks....I should still have 4 more weeks before I get to see my sweet Lil Angel. I shouldn't have to be dealing with taking all her stuff down & packing her clothes away. I miss my belly. I hate having to deal with all this pain from my incesion and my boobs (DAMN leaking painful boobs) but no baby to make it "feel better", to feel worth it.

2 weeks ago I was supposed to wake up, take DD to school, go for a NST, hopefully get a note from the doctor so I didn't have to work anymore (I knew things weren't feeling right), go to school to get my test scores & pick my classes. Not have a baby for her to just die a few hours later. Now I dunno what to do. I was supposed to be a stay at home mom & take classes online. Now I have no baby. No reason to stay home. Now I feel like I gotta go back to work. I have no reason to stay home now other than the fact that I don't wanna leave the house. I don't wanna get outta bed. I don't wanna do nothing. I don't even wanna go to school to pick my classes. I keep telling myself after the Memorial...maybe next week will be better. I just hope it's not too late to set things up for school.

I just wish this week was over! Thursday is my post partum doctors appointment. I DO NOT want to go by myself but DH has to work & I really don't feel like being around anyone else. Friday is Olivia's Burrial, Saturday is her Memorial & Sunday is Mother's Day. I don't wanna do any of this. At least on Friday we get her ashes. Not looking foward to Saturday at all. Sunday I'm treating just like andy other Sunday. I'm not celebrating Mother's Day this year. I already asked DH not to get me anything. What ever DD makes in school will be fine. I'm just not in the mood, not going to be a very happy Mother's day for me at all. I hope my Mom & MIL understand the lack of a gift this year. If it weren't for DD I would acknowledge the day at all.

I'm now convinced that any type of shower is bad luck for me. Not that I'm counting my chickens before they hatch or that I ever expect anyone to have another one for me for any reason but I NEVER want another shower ever again! Whenever anyone does something nice for me or I get my hopes up for something & plan it out that way I want it to be my heart is usually ripped out and trampled all over. Of course this would happen to me because I'm prepared...I had everything I wanted, had the nursury done & we actually had a plan. Then life throws a big FUCK YOU in my direction! Am I such a horrible person? Why can't good things happen to me?

At this point I feel like my heart is torn in 2. I want to be with both my babies! No I'm not suicidal but I'm not afraid to die anymore either, then I would get to be with her again. I could never do that to DD or DH. I know they need me here. But I want my Olivia! Why do other people get to keep their babies? Why did my Olivia have to die?

I Love You so much Olivia! I don't know how to put it into words anymore.

Mommy misses her Angel.

An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth.

She whispered as she closed the book, "Too Beautiful for Earth".

Jada's Letter

Olivia,

I know I haven't seen you. I only seen pictures. I miss you. I hope heaven is taking care of you. You're my guardian angel. Our great-grandmoms & great-grandpop are there with you too. They can take care of you now. I know you don't know them but I'm sure they know you. I'm Jada your big sister and I love you with all my heart. I know you can't be here but everyone loves you. I wish you could be here but maybe some day I can be there with you. I hope your playing in God's garden and making friends. I wish I got to see you before you left us. I really wanted to get to hold my little sister. I love you Olivia.

Love your big sister,

Jadalynn

1 Week & 4 Days...

since our angel left for heaven.

"No one will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside." Well you & Jadabug.

Getting together the last of the funeral details today.

I miss you Olivia.

A Sad Intro

I really don't care to explain much or do a back story but I just needed a place to write, vent & get out fustrations. So for a back story I'm gonna post the link to Olivia's webpage that explains her condition and two previous post from thebump.com message board.

Olivia's Webpage

Most people only dream of angels. We held one in our arms.

Little Miss Olivia Marie decided to come meet us for awhile yesterday (April 24th) but God decided she was too much of an Angel to allow her to stay here with us. She left us in her Mommy's arms, surrounded by people who loved her. She received her wings and left for heaven around 10PM. I never imagined saying goodbye could be so hard, especially when we only had a few short hours together. Thank you to everyone who came to see us at the hospital and for all the kind words sent from others.

May 1, 2012

Well here goes nothing...

I dunno quite what to say. Today has been a week since we lost our Olivia. We knew she was sick (PA-IVS....she had half a heart) but we were not prepared for this to happen. All the doctors kept telling us she would need 3 open heart surgeries over her first few years of life, that she would be in the hospital for about 2 weeks and that she would be able to go on living life just as a healthly child. I had to have her at 34 weeks due to sudden onset of severe preclampsia (sp?). She was alive for a few hours before she went into cardiac arrest. She passed away in my arms. I feel like its my fault she isn't here with us. If only I could have kept my pressure down for a few more weeks, maybe she would have had a better chance. Since i've been home from the hospital I have been so emotional with no desire to do anything. I don't feel like talking to anyone or having company. I don't want to plan a funeral. I just want to stay in bed and sleep all day hoping to eventually wake up from this nightmare. I still have prenatal doctors appointments & ultrasounds I should be going to or I should be spending my days sitting in Children's Hospital while Olivia has her surgeries. I don't belong here now. I feel so bad for my 6 year old daughter who was looking foward to being a big sister. She is mad at us becasue she didn't get to see or hold her sister. My cousion came to visit with her 9 month old & just seeing my daughter play with her had me in tears. I'm concerned for my husband who seems to just be going on with life just like nothing happened. He is already talking about having another. Just the thought of that makes me feel guilty...you cannot replace a child. I'm angry at people who I know have had abortions in the past. They all now have multiple children. We tryed to get pregnant & wanted this baby so bad! Why have they been blessed so many times? Why am I thinking like this...what is wrong with me?! I know i'm all over the place but there is just so much going threw my head my fingers can't keep up.  

May 4, 2012

1 Week & 3 Days...

since our angel left for heaven.
DD is sick so she stayed home from school today. The past few days have been hard....lots of crying mixed with disbelief (this is not my life!) & anger. Jada is only 6 (but much more mature) so she is trying to understand but most of what she says brings me to tears. I was actually "afraid" (because it upsets her when I cry) to be home alone with her all day today but I'm glad she was. BRU called today to check to see if I got my 10% off my registery coupon & I lost it on the poor lady. Jada came running to my room, hugged me & told me, "Mommy it's ok to cry". This coming from a 6 year old when most adults don't even know what to say to me. She is my little rock....what I need to get threw this. She asked if she could write a letter to Olivia & send it to heaven along with other things...her toys & blanket from the hospital and a headband. She wants to make sure she has things in heaven. As hard as it was to hear what she wanted to tell her little sister I felt better after. No I wasn't able to get threw writting the letter for her with out crying BUT DD inspired me to write my little angel my own letter. We didn't have much time with Olivia...I heard her cry & I can still smell her but don't even know what color her eyes were. I really want to hold her again...hopefully my own letter will help with some of what I'm going threw.